Monday, February 19, 2018

This Is Progress?

    A lot of articles and stories are written about our experiences as people with autoimmune diseases. I’ve written many myself. But I recently realized that not many articles have discussed the aspect of disease progression. And as all of us who are chronically ill know, our diseases do progress. But when they do, it can throw us into a complete tailspin. Here’s a summary of some of the reasons why that many of our friends and family don’t realize.

  1. When our illness progresses, it can cause a whole new set of symptoms we are not used to. As a person who has had my disease for 23 years, I have only experienced two major progressions. The most recent occurence included a drastic increase in dry mouth, extreme hip pain, and balance issues. Except I didn’t put it all together at first. You see, I have to sleep with a fan on. I need the air circulation on my face and the white noise. But it can also be drying so when my tongue started adhering to the roof of my mouth, I assumed it was that. My tongue would wake me up in the middle of the night which is when I would notice my hips. I thought I was only noticing the pain because I was awake. figured it was because I was awake. Of course, now I wasn’t sleeping well. No sleep equals balance issues… Or so I thought. Once I realized what was going on, it became a whole new level of awesomeness. And a bunch of regular issues I had to learn to live with.

  1. With new symptoms come new medications, and side effects. As I already deal with pain, adjusting my meds was easy. I also own a cane and had to adjust to carrying it with me more while I got used to my new ‘center’ so to speak. Dry mouth however, had never been a real problem for me. Sure, I drink around a gallon of water a day (and I carry it in my giant, yet stylish, purse) and I can now sense restrooms like Spiderman can sense danger, but the burning desert feeling was new. So with sticky tongue a thing now and drinking Biotene all day long not recommended, I really had to figure out options. There are medications for it however. And they work. Except now I get even more frequent and intense random hot flashes. It’s a coin flip really, sounding slurry and drunk or looking red and sweaty…

  1. All this new stuff takes getting used to, which tires us out. Pain in general raises blood pressure, heart rate, and temperature. That in itself is stressful on the body. And most of us are in some sort of pain all the time. A progression involves an increase of our symptoms at the very least, which in turn equals an increase in the stress on our bodies until we learn how to manage those symptoms as our new norm. Think about that-OUR NEW NORM. Yes, our norm is constant pain, constant stress of some sort on our body, constantly subject to change. And that’s just from the realities of our disease, not from living life or any regular sickness floating around that all of you normal people consider “feeling like death warmed over”. Y’all have NO clue.

  1. Progressions will happen, even when we take all our medicine. This should be a no brainer, but I’ve been asked too many times: What did I do to bring on a flare up? (nothing, they can come on if I lay in bed for a month-been there done that), Why didn’t I drink more to avoid dehydration? (I did, my body shed it like a fat lizard), Why don’t I just eat clean? (or eliminate this or that or use supplements… that’s not how the immune system works). So here’s the quick low down. Autoimmune (AI) Disease means your immune system attacks YOU. It thinks there’s an invader, turns itself on, and attacks some part of your own body. Medicine can only modify or suppress that response, not turn it off completely or reset the immune system. Not yet. Different meds affect different parts of the immune system, hopefully specific to the different diseases. No diet or supplement can modify or suppress the immune system itself. They can reduce swelling which helps. Because this response is on the order of an allergic reaction, it get stronger over time. In some people this happens slowly, in others it happens much more quickly. But it happens. Meds can only slow it down.

  1. A progression reminds us that we’re sick and ultimately there’s nothing we can do about it. And that’s terrifying. Seriously. Imagine it. You break your leg. It’s in a cast but it heals. The cast comes off and you can walk again but it hurts. OK. You can get used to the pain. Years go by and you hardly notice the pain anymore. Then one day you wake up and take a step but it hurts 10 times worse than normal. You call the doctor and he says, “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. At different points in time, your leg will hurt worse for no reason at all. This will continue randomly for the rest of your life. You may or may not lose the ability to walk. We have no clue why and cannot stop it. Sorry!”. You’re first reaction would probably be WTF?! That’s our reaction every time our illness progresses no matter how much we understand our diagnosis. We are secretly delusional. We want it to go away. Now. And when it overpowers us by getting stronger and worse, it reminds us of our mortality. That’s something no one wants to think about.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Stories From The Second Floor

    Recently, I had the distinct misfortune of of needing emergency surgery to remove my appendix. It went gangrenous and ruptured the day after Thanksgiving. Little did I know that that would lead to a month of fighting for my life and spending more time in the hospital than at home. Due to my autoimmune conditions, my body went bananas and anything that could go wrong, did. But, I survived, a little worse for wear, bruised, scarred, and down 20 pounds-but alive. And full of stories. Stories I’d like to share here because with all the pain and crap we go through as chronically ill people, there’s always that one moment of hilarity that breaks through. After going through an entire month of pain and crap, I found quite a few moments to share.

  • THE ICE CHIPS AND GAS: As the mother of boys, I have always been the referee of farts. I really can’t stand them even though “everyone does it”. So of course, the first rule I’m given upon getting to my room is “no food until I pass gas”. I could only have ice chips. Yeah, I get that this is to ensure my intestines are working again, but no juice, no broth, no popsicles? It was my 5th day on only ice chips (yes, I said 5) when I actually had this conversation with my nurse: “OK, so what constitutes an actual fart?” “Why? What happened?” “I just felt a lot of bubbles escape… well, my butt.” “Oh, we kind of like it to be forceful enough to be heard. So if you couldn’t hear the bubbles escape, it doesn’t count. But I bet it’ll be soon!” She was right too. Later that evening, I sacred my husband by giving a big WooHoo! when I let one rip! Unfortunately, that side effect of surgery takes a very long time to go away leading to much embarrassment and the mantra “my wife is a sailor!” (WooHoo!)
  • THE BUTT DRAIN: After finally healing enough from my surgery and meeting all the requirements to go home, I thought all I had to do was sleep and slowly increase my food intake. WRONG. I quickly developed two major abscess in my abdomen and landed back in the hospital. OK, more antibiotics. But this time they decided to insert tubes attached to bags that would drain the fluid from these infected areas as well. I would be awake but medicated while they did this. (Ummm…) So we get to the procedure room and I get on the table and the first thing they tell me is to lay on my stomach. I did not immediately say “are you insane, I just had surgery!” Instead, they explained that they could not access the abcess from the front. (This keeps getting better and better!)  After the procedure, I ended up with one tube entering my lower back and one entering my upper butt cheek, which I sat on every time I used a toilet. I never did find out exactly where that abscess was which required them to use my butt as an entry point; but I now have a perfectly round scar on my right butt cheek as a memento!
  • TAKE MY ROOMMATE: During my second stay at the hospital, I was graced with a roommate that is the definition of what not to do when you are a roommate in the hospital. She stayed up late (4AM) watching TV (loudly) and laughing as if she was home. She refused earbuds for the TV. (by screaming “get them off my body?!”) She used my shampoo. She argued with her mother constantly. She ordered snack food at all hours. She monopolized the staff. And she refused to wear gowns. This last one is what became the biggest issue. I was fortunate enough to have family visit me often during the day. I warned them what she was like before they came. At one point while my mother was there, my roommate had a “crisis” and came running through the curtains dividing our halves of the room to use the bathroom. (she got the window, I got the bathroom) She was wearing just her underwear. (the no gown thing, remember?) This happened a few more times. Fortunately never when my husband was there. Mom and I dubbed it ‘lunch and a show’.
  • CURTAINS: After my second stay was over and it was deemed the drains were working and I was no longer sick from the abcesses, I was once again sent home with the drains still in and the bags safety pinned to my clothes as the next big fashion statement. And it went very well for quite awhile! Until my intestines revolted. I actually thought it was my Sjogren’s flaring up. I was sore and to be honest, occasionally my system doesn't process water and sheds it all quickly meaning a day on the toilet. But when I spiked a fever, I was told to come back to the hospital. Again! This time it was C-Diff. A bacterial infection caused by antibiotics (for the abcess) killing of good bacteria in the colon and allowing the other bacteria that's normally there (C-Diff) to overgrow and cause real problems. It's also impossible to kill outside the body so I was quarantined. I’ll admit, seeing my husband in a yellow paper dress every time he came to visit was priceless! Anyway, I required a private room. So I had to wait for one to be set up. And it was a nice room: 2 windows, end of the hall, quiet… but no curtain around the bathroom. None! And the one thing C-Diff does is make you go. I kind of needed that curtain. I had to have my husband stand guard more times than I can count, but even after multiple requests, it never came. I eventually got creative with extra hospital gowns.
  • AND MATTRESSES: Then comes the fact that my doctor, knowing my history of fractured vertebrae, ordered a special mattress for me so I wasn’t in pain laying down so much. The problem was, in quarantine, nothing could leave my room. So the old mattress that was taken off my bed was set up in my shower. Right next to the toilet. No problem right? HA! It lasted all of 3 visits to the potty before wreaking havoc the 4th. I was sitting doing the C-Diff shuffle when that mattress ever so slowly folded over on itself and landed right on my head and shoulder pinning me to the opposite wall. I tried, but really was not strong enough to lift it, push it, or stand by myself. I had to pull the red cord.  That means there’s an emergency and brings staff rushing to your room. And here I am on the toilet pinned by a mattress. GREAT! However, the looks on their faces was hilarious. Really! How often do you see a mattress fallen over on a patient who’s on the toilet? I’ll never stop laughing about that day!

    These are just a few of the funny moments that I took away from my month in and out of the hospital. I was there so much that staff knew me by name and the techs doing the testing did double takes. Food service workers knew my preferences and brought me extra butterscotch pudding. They made this horrible ordeal bearable by being so caring.

    Now, there is just one incision left to heal and I need to build my strength back up. I went through something I honestly didn’t think I’d make it through. The key turned out to be my attitude and my sense of humor. Hopefully, I have passed that on to some of you through this story. If not, just remember to always be aware of rogue shower mattresses!

Tuesday, November 21, 2017


   Recently, I had to refill one of my many medications. This in itself is not a big deal. This particular medication is one I have been taking for more years than I can count at this point. My disease, being Autoimmune in nature, messes with the chemistry in my brain making it very difficult to fall into a deep, restorative sleep. So years ago I was prescribed Ambien and have been taking it ever since without issue.
    Of course, everything changes at some point. And for me, Ambien became Ambien ER. I had begun waking up in the middle of the night and having trouble falling back to sleep. But the ER worked. I’ll admit here that I don’t remember if Ambien was always a controlled substance or if it’s classification changed at some point along the way.
    Whichever it was, it doesn’t matter at this point. Because it is a controlled substance now and that is the point of this story. Refilling a controlled substance and trying to understand the NYS statute controlling such things.

For starters, here is the statute from January 2017:

Section 3339.3 Unless an earlier refilling is authorized by the prescriber, no prescription for a controlled substance may be refilled earlier than seven days prior to the date the previously dispensed supply would be exhausted if used in conformity with the directions for use.

    So, the way I read this, I can pick up my prescription 7 days before I run out. For example; I filled my last prescription on October 17th. It was due to be refilled on November 16th. I attempted to refill it on November 14th. I apparently opened the gates of hell, chaos ensued, security tapes were pulled, and I ended up back at the car in tears while my husband went back into the pharmacy to hear hear the outcome of their investigation. All true!

    Now the story with a bit more detail:

    First you need to know that I have essential tremor and peripheral neuropathy. My hands shake and sometimes I can’t feel my fingers. As it turns out, in October, I did drop my pill bottle and lost 2 pills. However, beyond that, my husband works at the hospital where I get my prescriptions filled (I actually HAVE to get them filled there) and we routinely get my meds on his paydays every 4 weeks-hence every 28 days. Or 2 days early. Well within the 7 days the law states.
    Apparently not. When I asked for my medication, the pharmacist was called. When I mentioned I had none left because I had lost two, she immediately stated “I cannot give you any medication. It’s too early. We’ll have to check the security tapes to make sure our techs counted correctly if you think you were shorted.” and she left. I could only mutter “But..” to the tech and wait until she came back.
    When she did, I tried to explain again that I didn’t think they miscounted and I know I dropped the bottle. She then explained that “I can’t give you any pills because you get your medication too early too much and you can only get it the day you run out now.”
    This is a very small pharmacy with a line of people in a hospital where my husband works. I felt accused at this point and about as big as a worm. This is when I heard the INTERPRETATION of Section 3339.3. It is as follows:

Unless authorized by the prescriber, a person has a total of seven early days to use for picking up any controlled substance and once exhausted, that prescription may not be picked up early any more for the life of that prescription as written.

    What this means is, if I pick up me medication early by 3 days in October, I have only 4 days left to use. Forever. Get it? I really don’t but I have done my homework and confirmed this interpretation with other pharmacists in the area. And though it’s meant to keep certain people from stockpiling medications, it creates anxiety for those who may find it difficult to get to the pharmacy on the exact day they run out of a medication that they need.
    So for those of you who are on any controlled substances for treatments of pain, sleep, depression… Be aware of your state’s laws concerning distribution. But beyond that, be aware of your pharmacy’s interpretation of those laws as well. It may make all the difference in whether you can get your refill that day or not. It did me, and it cost me 2 days sleep. But also be aware that there may be ways to sit down and work with your doctor and pharmacy to make it easier for you to deal with these regulations as well. That’s my next step.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Let’s Talk About...

    I got married in 1990. At the time, I was in college pursuing a degree in education. I graduated in 1991 with a BA in Secondary English Education and a minor in Psychology. Afterwards, I went to work helping developmentally disabled children and adults. In 1996, I was diagnosed with the disease that would eventually become disabling.
     No amount of reading, psychology, or education could have prepared me for handling the emotions I experienced as the disease progressed. Each new symptom brought more uncertainty and more pain. After 21 years of this continual roller coaster, I had developed the unfortunate habit of not sharing how I was actually feeling day to day or what new development had arisen. I thought I was sparing my family from knowing how much pain I was in or worrying about how far the disease had really progressed.

                                                  FYI: This is not a good idea.

    Quick recap: I have been married for 27 years, sick for 21 of them, and slowly becoming sicker AND more withdrawn about it. Meanwhile, my husband has been very supportive and has been picking up the slack as I have declined. But he has also been internalizing my pain. And because I wasn’t  talking about it,  he started to make assumptions about my pain and what activities would affect me. Suddenly, we weren’t having sex.
    Yup. I said it. On live written internet. S*E*X. The damn disease affected our sex life and we didn’t even realise it at first. I’ll add a disclaimer here-Sjogren’s can cause sex to be painful, but that’s not what I am talking about. The issue, literally, is talking. Or the lack of it.
    You see, it finally took a few weeks and finally asking my husband what was going on to get to the bottom of the issue. And a big part of me didn’t want to ask at all. Seriously. I’m sick. I don’t need stress of any kind. And not that I had any reason to believe my husband was cheating, I’ve watched enough LMN to know I could be opening a huge can of worms. But up until that point, our sex life had been great, so I had to ask. And to be quite honest, his answer stunned me.
    Flashback sequence: My pain rests, for the most part, in my back, hips and knees - most likely due to spending my career sitting on the floor cross legged and recently having fractured my back twice. That, combined with the amazing amount of rainy weather we’ve been having, has caused me to be in a lot of pain this summer. Even walking has been unusually difficult. Seeing that, my husband assumed that the act of having sex would also be painful for me. He loves me and didn’t want to hurt me in any way, so he stopped making advances and instead started letting me sleep as long as I needed on the weekends. That is, until I finally decided to ask him about it.
    Now, I am happy to say, we are back on track. We had a long talk last weekend and apart from agreeing we both miss sex, we also agreed that we have to keep talking about my illness. I can’t hid it from him and he can’t be afraid of bringing it up to me. It is was it is and it will progress however it chooses. Neither of us can control that. We can only control our reactions and how we adjust to my new levels of ability.
    But I also told him that these decisions have to be mutual. And that even though I understood and appreciated his desire not to cause me any pain, the decision to stop engaging in sex was not his to make. Just like the decision to use pharmaceuticals or herbal remedies, the decisions on what my body can handle physically are mine to make. I sacrificed myself to see my kids play hockey and baseball when they were little because I wanted to be there even though I knew I might be in pain afterwards. The same concept applies now.
    I fully understand that as time passes, there’s a chance I will not be able to participate in sexual activity anymore. I sincerely hope not. But if that time comes, I know two things:

  1. My husband and I will be able to talk it through first. And
  2. He is already prepared to stay with me if I can’t have sex anymore.

Today’s lesson? Talk things out with your significant other. I wanted to shield him from my disease and is constant issues and he wanted to keep me from getting physically hurt. But we kinda hurt each other anyway. So it wasn’t worth the time and effort to begin with was it?

    Now go on y’all! Get to bed!


Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Five Support Group Personalities


    For those of us who are chronically ill, one of the most common resources used today is the Support Group. Generally, this is a good thing but sometimes, support groups can become clash of personalities.

    Here are the most common Support Group personalities and how to avoid being one of them:

  1. The Debbie Downer: OK, Support Groups are designed for people who are experiencing problems. In this case-chronic illness or pain. Debbie Downers are the epitome of this. Every post is a litany of complaints and questions of will this ever end and why me? The problem with people like this is that they have nothing to offer the group. Their posts are only drains on the group mentality as they don’t even want advice or suggestions. Every comment is met with ‘I tried that’ or ‘I can’t take that because’… Debbies only want to hear ‘I’m so sorry for you’ or ‘you’re so strong to keep going through all that’. They want pats on the back. And don’t ever look to them for support or advice on anyone else’s posts. That’s not their style.
  2. The Hijacker: Do you remember as a kid playing the card game War? The high card wins? There are people in support groups who, for some reason, jump in on threads for the purpose of hijacking it all while denying that’s what they’re doing. They just mention that they too have A and B but that they also have C or that their version of A and B is so much worse. Then they’ll state that they don’t mean to shift focus (which they have obviously just done) but they want to fyi that many of the suggestions offered have not worked for them. Really? Hijackers are a subclass of Debbie Downers. They will immediately get the ‘I’m Sorrys’ and the ‘We’re here for yous’ all while denying that was the reason for their comment.
  3. The Nature Goddess: These people usually post to be helpful but do so in a very forceful way. Their opinions are handed out attached to 100lb bricks of granola laced with references to different articles they view as proof of their point. The problem with them is that they typically use aggressive wording when stating their opinions. Goddesses give the impression that the research out there on diet and natural remedies is as good as that done on drugs and pharmaceuticals in treating disease. Some Goddesses also tend to use language that would scare anyone off taking a pill by calling them poison and making blanket statements about side effects. Understandably, they are passionate about their lifestyle and about treatments that work on certain parts of chronic illness, but Goddesses are good at causing confusion in support groups by the very nature of what they present.
  4. Pill Pushers: Opposite of Nature Goddesses, but just as harsh, Pill Pushers strongly believe in medication as the only way to go to ward of flare ups and progressions of these diseases. The problem with them is the fact that Pushers tend to believe in a certain medication over all others and will go to great lengths listing all the bad things and side effects of any other medication to get their point across. To them, the concept of medications working differently for different people is inconceivable and what’s best for them isn’t necessarily best for all. The fact that the side effects they list may never have happened or that there may be people in the group who have had great success on a medication they think is bad doesn’t matter to them at all.
  5. Long Termers: (Yeah, me.) These people have been fighting these diseases so long that they have experienced almost everything they can throw at us. They have also tried so many medications, supplements, weird treatment options, exercises, and what not that they can fall into the trap of thinking they know it all. Certainly, Long Termers know more than the average bear. They have seen a lot work and have seen a lot more fail. They tend to want to make sure that the “correct knowledge” gets out there. Which is problematic in itself because “correct knowledge” is actually different for each person. So Long Termers end up taking on more people than they should by trying to correct them and telling them the right info. And people don’t always take that well.

With these five personalities found in pretty much every support group, the only way to combat them is to be aware of your own behavior and reactions. Avoid being a Debbie or Hijacker by watching the number of posts you write about your negative stuff. Yes, the group is there for us to vent and complain, but in truth, the more we offer help and support to others, the better we feel! In reality, a group that is designed to offer us something we may not have in real life is actually an alternative treatment itself! And let others have the spotlight if they started the thread. It’s their pain, their issue. We can have our turn in a different post.                                                                                                                                                                    
As for our Goddesses and Pushers, they both need to take a step back. I have seen way too many posts from both go very wrong. And I am not above admitting I have been involved in some of those because I have taken offense at some of the claims made. It has always come down to wording. There is no cure for us, only times of remission. None of us should present our path as a cure. We should also avoid fear mongering by labelling medications as poisons or as things with side effects worse than the disease.

Long Termers need to watch their words as well by withholding comments at times and also realizing there are lots of new treatments out there that weren’t available when we were diagnosed. In this situation, we don’t know it all! We all need to realize that presentation counts because no one likes a know it all! (Yeah, kinda directed at me…) We can only present what we have taken or are taking and how it has affected us. Period.

By keeping our posts divers and our language neutral, we allow everyone to stay involved and open minded. We also give them the ability to research their own choices and make their own informed decisions. And really, isn’t this what we all want anyway? Info and tips that we can all research and make our own decisions on? I know it’s what I want...

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Why I Bought An Expensive Purse

        For those of us with chronic illnesses, it may seem obvious that pampering is a good thing. After all, being pampered makes us feel special. And with all the pain and other effects we endure from our different illnesses, that is the last thing we feel on a day to day basis. So it is a feeling we definitely need in our lives. But it goes beyond just feeling special. Pampering can actually make handling our disease easier. And by pampering, I’m sure you all think I mean massages and seaweed wraps or stuff like that. Actually, I don’t.

    I’m talking about the things we use on a daily basis just to get by.

    The first thing that comes to mind, obviously, is our medicine. We all take it (even if it’s in the form of supplements) and most of us carry it with us which creates the need for a pill carrier. So a long time ago, I decided I wanted a really cool pill carrier, since I had to have it with me 24/7 anyway right? I ended up going to several antique shops finally found the most unique sterling case I’d ever seen. Now if I have to medicate in public, I usually get compliments on that pill case instead of stares.
    And along with medication, of course, we all need water! Look at your water bottle or even the glass you use for water at home. I know that having to take medicine every day is not only redundant and frustrating, but also a constant reminder of all that is broken inside of us. So go find the fanciest glass, goblet, or stein you can and designate that as your official med-mug! No one else is allowed to use it and it will make taking your medicine (slightly) festive. OK, maybe not. But you can at least look forward to pulling out that beautiful glass you picked out.
    Many of us also have to utilize what’s called ‘adaptive equipment’. I know many people with Sjogren’s Syndrome are light sensitive and need to wear sunglasses daily. With so many choices of sunglasses on the market, it’s easy to fall into the trap of getting a cheap, “workable” pair. But why not go for an awesome pair that you absolutely love and feel gorgeous in? Instead of stressing the fact that you are light sensitive, stress YOU! Your personality, your style, your love of cats! (or something…)
    And speaking of style and personality, use that same philosophy on your cane if you need one. Why use the plain, metal, adjustable ones? Most medical supply store stock canes in colors and patterns now, but if you can’t find one-get creative. They can be painted, glittered, or wrapped in ribbon. Better yet, check online. I custom ordered mine due to my height. It’s made out of diamond willow tree wood and again, I get a lot of compliments on it. The beauty of the cane  takes the focus off the fact that I need it. And yes, I fully admit that when I ordered it, I was not yet ready to accept that I needed to use a cane. But having that piece of art at my side actually made me willing to use it.
    Lastly, I tell you the story of my purse. (Or purses.) I’m a purse-a-holic. A purse snob. I only buy good, leather purses. At least I thought they were good leather purses. Turns out they couldn’t handle the multitude of stuff I needed to carry with me after I got sick. I became a purse killer. Until I decided to buy the purse I have now. It’s expensive. But it is thick and put together really well with grommets and metal instead of sewing. It has a strap that is thick and long and also held at places that are grommeted in place. It is truly waterproofed. But more importantly, I love the style of it. I love carrying it. It is pretty and makes me feel good. And that actually makes me forget what’s in it.
    So, my chronically ill sisters and brothers, I will leave you with these ideas for consideration. I get that being chronically ill is mentally and emotionally draining and the last thing you want to think about is how you look in sunglasses. I also get the fact that these diseases drain money like we’re throwing it from the rooftops. But if everything around us is simply functional or assistive, aren’t we turning our lives into extensions of the disease rather than the disease being only a part of our larger lives? If our clothes, shoes, totes, jackets, creams, and lotions are all purchased strictly for our disease they will always remind us of the disease. Sure, sometimes we won’t have a choice of products or styles, but whenever there is a choice, I say splurge. Pamper. Run as far away from the parameters of your illness as you can and be YOU.

Otherwise, the disease becomes you and you become the disease.

Friday, July 28, 2017

A logical answer to Trump’s LGBTQ mess
*Satirical comedy

    As you know, our daring leader trying to lead our country into the new era with much thought and consternation. As an educated and revered writer, I thought I’d release a set of possible protocols that the best minds in the country have come up with and rushed to an undisclosed location (somewhere in Florida). They are being introduced to Mr Trump as we speak in the hopes he will see that the only way the country will survive is for true equality to be enacted. The intent of these protocols is just that; to erase any and all inequalities that new legislation have created as well as to create better understanding on the part of the non-LGBTQ community as to how previous legislative protocols made them feel (hopefully). As Always, these are best read with a glass of wine and a grain of salt.

    First on the list is the bathroom bill. thought to be a no-brainer, there is once again confusion as to why it matters where anyone except truly perverted and dangerous people relieve themselves. And trust me, they don’t care. But since everyone else does, and actually checking someone’s special parts is illegal (awww!) we have come up with a solution! everyone loves card games, so there will now be dispensers placed in between every gendered set of restrooms in the country. (what tax dollars?) Everyone who needs to pee will now be required to draw cards until they have a matched set. That is the bathroom they will be required to use! This system has been devised because if we deny the rights of one group, we should all be denied right? It’s the “if I can’t have her then no man shall” mentality, except applied to toilets and across all of society. Under this policy there will be no more discrimination. At it’s core, it is a truly random system. It’s a perfect solution! Everyone now has an equal chance at being denied access to the bathroom of their choice! Armed guards will be present to enforce this process. Any questions?

    On to Marriage. This one required much thought and many nights were spent in debate. (or so i gather if my spanish can be trusted by the complaints I heard as the pizza boxes and beer cans were being picked up…) This is the best we were able to come up with: As of now there will be no more discrimination based on preference. All marriages are legal. marriage licenses will now be granted by random choice But hey have to be earned. Since there is such a love for reality TV in our current climate, challenges will be set up that have to be overcome. (And if you think about it, what is marriage anyway?) So from now on, 5 couples from each state-same sex or not-will compete for that state’s marriage of the week! And of course the wedding will be the wedding of their dreams! (and completely paid for by the federal government!) Challenges will be chosen from categories such as physical strength, trivia, beauty, and of course the all important broadway musical round! Both partners must compete in all categories because we all know the stereotypes about gay men versus straight men dealing with physical prowess. (Though I know some gay men that could pummel the sh… I digress) So if people really want to get married, let’s make them work for it. Licenses are handed out like candy now and the divorce rate is 50% or so. If you’re going to make the gays jump through hoops to get married, make the straights sing for it. everyone loves to see a good sing off right? (aren’t lesbians supposed to be really tough?) These weekly competitions could get interesting! And maybe marriages would last longer if they weren’t so easy to get in the first place. Oh! Don’t forget to tune in because audience members could win valuable prizes as well.

    Next comes community equality standards, which has been disguised as the religious freedom bill. (Seriously? I have no words.) But I am just commenting here, so let me explain the new system devised for this. And I will forewarn you, it’s expensive, but we are a consumer driven society so a lot of these new devices will have to be installed. Since the right to deny service to a person who identifies as LGBTQ has been hotly debated, there will now be electric shock devices installed at any and all locations deemed service providing locations. These include hospitals, bakeries, auto repair centers, day cares, (and you get the idea.) The shock devices will be put on a timer similar to slot machine mechanisms however the timing will increase the so called pay out. First come first serve standards will still apply but emergent situation (such as life or death versus sore throat) and economic status will not. Again, in order to ensure true equality, these devices will be completely random in operation. Place your hand on the metal plate and wait to see if you are approved or denied. Smaller plates will be available for children. Electrical shock was chosen to emulate the complete idiocy (shock) of being told you would not be given service for something as major as healthcare or as trivial as cake due to “my religious freedom” or “your life choices”. (Plus, seeing people get shocked is totally hilarious!)

And last is the latest transgender military service tweet. This is a simple fix. Recruits will now have to fill out an application, pass a medical exam, a psychological exam, and be judged on their fashion sense and make up application. (What? Too far??) OK. How’s this? New rule: Every person who wants to serve in any branch of our military has to disclose all the medications they currently take. The government can set a cap. During service, if that number rises for any reason, those meds get added. Then kick out guys during active duty for needing medication (possibly for pain) to serve. NO? Then kick them out for types of meds. Such as Sex meds. Oh, Viagra right? So no again. Psych meds! Oops-PTSD. So the issue really comes down to a needle or a pill they take daily or monthly? Seriously, just abide by HIPAA. Unless you have Klinger running around base camp, no one’s gender, preferences, or gender identity matters.

    Look, the Military is sacrosanct in my opinion. But in the light of our new mighty leadership, new standards must be upheld. New recruits must prove themselves more worthy. But coming up with a way was tough. Here is what we have determined appropriate for the new age: They must complete a pre determined time of intense training. They must be able to complete difficult obstacle courses and intelligence tests with extremely high marks. They must demonstrate that they know how to care for and utilize weaponry. They must master marksmanship courses. They must exhibit mental toughness in tests designed to mimic extreme circumstance. They must also exhibit the ability to endure in harsh conditions. (Oh wait! If they are LGBTQ, they already do that in the US!)

I have it on good authority that these new protocols are going into effect very soon. I suggest any of you who think you will be unduly affected start getting used to electric shock or if you intend to get married, find trainers. Although my true feelings on this issue are probably not very well hidden, Remember this is meant to be more comedic in nature. It is not meant to offend anyone. One last insight, There are rumors that a special artifact exists that, if found, would have the power to eradicate all of this evil spreading across our land. It’s referenced in ancient texts. If only there were someone…


Sharilynn Battaglia