You Are Worth It!!
It’s happening again. And I won’t let it go. It’s not in my nature. Last time it was family that didn’t understand. Now it is friends that can’t find the strength to carry on. And I get that we can’t do it for them or make the decisions for them or live their lives for them. But not to speak up, to me, is criminal. Especially when more of us have been where they are now than they can ever know because we just won’t be open about it. No one really talks about suicide, thoughts of, attempted, or successful.
You see, in our world-a world of constant pain-suicide rates are high due to the pain. Much of our pain is denied by the outside world. Here’s why: When it comes to pain, the definition is subjective. I had my ankle reconstructed around 24 years ago. Before I had kids. And I had natural childbirth by accident. My reconstructive surgery sill stands out as the worst pain I was ever in. It’s bone pain. Like my broken back. To me, bone pain outweighs everything else in terms of level of pain. Ever.
But debilitating pain? That remains in the head. I mean migraine pain. Or the type of neuropathic pain that ends up in the head and face and eyes. I can’t move when this happens. No light, no sound, no smells, and no food. I am a slug. And there is so little relief on the market. But the point that I am trying to make is that these pains are on MY personal scale of horrible. Not everyone’s. Other’s may sail through bone pain and have an easy go to for migraines or neuralgia. When you don’t, living with it day to day can be the very literal definition of HELL.
And I have been there. And that is where this gets real. Because I do not know how to joke about this. There are no House Gnomes to blame and my Furbabies help a lot but there are days when even they can’t lick all the tears away. And on those days, when my family has reached their limit of understanding or that inevitable brick wall of helpfulness, I have turned to the darker thoughts. I think we all have. It’s normal. We need to admit that.
What more of us may need to admit and talk about is the fact that I went farther. Yeah. I did. And no one knows. You see, years ago, I was into medieval reenactment in college. I don’t do it anymore, but i had a ball! I even went to “war”. I was an accomplished fencer in the round. And I still own my two daggers from that time. I keep them by my bed as I don’t believe in guns. Daggers by the bed and a chronic disease that causes pain and depression. Not a good combo. And yes they are sharp. Just not razor blade sharp.
Anyway, after a particularly bad trip to the ED and argument with family about how my disease had progressed and money. Money always enters these arguments-another discussion though. I was distraught and truly felt worthless. The thoughts of everyone being better off without me around took over. And let’s be honest. How many of us with chronic illnesses have these exact thoughts? Seriously now? I am just words on a paper to you so admit it to yourself. Let it out and throw it away. Throw it far away because you are so worth the moon and the sun and all the stars in the sky to everyone in your life!
I tried to cut myself that day. There. I said it. You know. All of you. But I was too afraid. And I kept seeing my kids. My beautiful awesome boys whom I felt I was burdening with my illness and the fact that I was constantly sick. The ones who love me anyway but don’t know how to show it other than getting upset at me and telling me not to do stuff or asking me why I try. They are not poets. But they care and killing myself would have changed their lives. Changed their entire path on this earth. And I love who they are now. There are also others who would have been left wondering what they did wrong. And that is not fair.
Yes, We are the warriors of pain that no one else knows. We are the small voices of the world that endure the unendurable. That cannot be heard. Because to hear us is to acknowledge us and maybe that is a pain our loved ones can’t handle. But we go through this for a reason. So if anyone else in our lives ends up going through it, they can count on us!
I never tried again. I can’t say I haven’t returned to that dark place of thoughts. But it doesn’t affect me in the same way anymore. Now, I am much more able to refocus on at least one blessing in my life. And I want anyone out there reading this to do the same. And if you cannot find a blessing in your life at the moment, please-do NOT take action. PM me instead. I will listen. I care. I will take your dagger and hold your hand so you can get through the night.
You Are Worth It!!