Friday, July 28, 2017

A logical answer to Trump’s LGBTQ mess
*Satirical comedy

    As you know, our daring leader trying to lead our country into the new era with much thought and consternation. As an educated and revered writer, I thought I’d release a set of possible protocols that the best minds in the country have come up with and rushed to an undisclosed location (somewhere in Florida). They are being introduced to Mr Trump as we speak in the hopes he will see that the only way the country will survive is for true equality to be enacted. The intent of these protocols is just that; to erase any and all inequalities that new legislation have created as well as to create better understanding on the part of the non-LGBTQ community as to how previous legislative protocols made them feel (hopefully). As Always, these are best read with a glass of wine and a grain of salt.

    First on the list is the bathroom bill. thought to be a no-brainer, there is once again confusion as to why it matters where anyone except truly perverted and dangerous people relieve themselves. And trust me, they don’t care. But since everyone else does, and actually checking someone’s special parts is illegal (awww!) we have come up with a solution! everyone loves card games, so there will now be dispensers placed in between every gendered set of restrooms in the country. (what tax dollars?) Everyone who needs to pee will now be required to draw cards until they have a matched set. That is the bathroom they will be required to use! This system has been devised because if we deny the rights of one group, we should all be denied right? It’s the “if I can’t have her then no man shall” mentality, except applied to toilets and across all of society. Under this policy there will be no more discrimination. At it’s core, it is a truly random system. It’s a perfect solution! Everyone now has an equal chance at being denied access to the bathroom of their choice! Armed guards will be present to enforce this process. Any questions?

    On to Marriage. This one required much thought and many nights were spent in debate. (or so i gather if my spanish can be trusted by the complaints I heard as the pizza boxes and beer cans were being picked up…) This is the best we were able to come up with: As of now there will be no more discrimination based on preference. All marriages are legal. marriage licenses will now be granted by random choice But hey have to be earned. Since there is such a love for reality TV in our current climate, challenges will be set up that have to be overcome. (And if you think about it, what is marriage anyway?) So from now on, 5 couples from each state-same sex or not-will compete for that state’s marriage of the week! And of course the wedding will be the wedding of their dreams! (and completely paid for by the federal government!) Challenges will be chosen from categories such as physical strength, trivia, beauty, and of course the all important broadway musical round! Both partners must compete in all categories because we all know the stereotypes about gay men versus straight men dealing with physical prowess. (Though I know some gay men that could pummel the sh… I digress) So if people really want to get married, let’s make them work for it. Licenses are handed out like candy now and the divorce rate is 50% or so. If you’re going to make the gays jump through hoops to get married, make the straights sing for it. everyone loves to see a good sing off right? (aren’t lesbians supposed to be really tough?) These weekly competitions could get interesting! And maybe marriages would last longer if they weren’t so easy to get in the first place. Oh! Don’t forget to tune in because audience members could win valuable prizes as well.

    Next comes community equality standards, which has been disguised as the religious freedom bill. (Seriously? I have no words.) But I am just commenting here, so let me explain the new system devised for this. And I will forewarn you, it’s expensive, but we are a consumer driven society so a lot of these new devices will have to be installed. Since the right to deny service to a person who identifies as LGBTQ has been hotly debated, there will now be electric shock devices installed at any and all locations deemed service providing locations. These include hospitals, bakeries, auto repair centers, day cares, (and you get the idea.) The shock devices will be put on a timer similar to slot machine mechanisms however the timing will increase the so called pay out. First come first serve standards will still apply but emergent situation (such as life or death versus sore throat) and economic status will not. Again, in order to ensure true equality, these devices will be completely random in operation. Place your hand on the metal plate and wait to see if you are approved or denied. Smaller plates will be available for children. Electrical shock was chosen to emulate the complete idiocy (shock) of being told you would not be given service for something as major as healthcare or as trivial as cake due to “my religious freedom” or “your life choices”. (Plus, seeing people get shocked is totally hilarious!)

And last is the latest transgender military service tweet. This is a simple fix. Recruits will now have to fill out an application, pass a medical exam, a psychological exam, and be judged on their fashion sense and make up application. (What? Too far??) OK. How’s this? New rule: Every person who wants to serve in any branch of our military has to disclose all the medications they currently take. The government can set a cap. During service, if that number rises for any reason, those meds get added. Then kick out guys during active duty for needing medication (possibly for pain) to serve. NO? Then kick them out for types of meds. Such as Sex meds. Oh, Viagra right? So no again. Psych meds! Oops-PTSD. So the issue really comes down to a needle or a pill they take daily or monthly? Seriously, just abide by HIPAA. Unless you have Klinger running around base camp, no one’s gender, preferences, or gender identity matters.

    Look, the Military is sacrosanct in my opinion. But in the light of our new mighty leadership, new standards must be upheld. New recruits must prove themselves more worthy. But coming up with a way was tough. Here is what we have determined appropriate for the new age: They must complete a pre determined time of intense training. They must be able to complete difficult obstacle courses and intelligence tests with extremely high marks. They must demonstrate that they know how to care for and utilize weaponry. They must master marksmanship courses. They must exhibit mental toughness in tests designed to mimic extreme circumstance. They must also exhibit the ability to endure in harsh conditions. (Oh wait! If they are LGBTQ, they already do that in the US!)

I have it on good authority that these new protocols are going into effect very soon. I suggest any of you who think you will be unduly affected start getting used to electric shock or if you intend to get married, find trainers. Although my true feelings on this issue are probably not very well hidden, Remember this is meant to be more comedic in nature. It is not meant to offend anyone. One last insight, There are rumors that a special artifact exists that, if found, would have the power to eradicate all of this evil spreading across our land. It’s referenced in ancient texts. If only there were someone…


Sharilynn Battaglia

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